Perfect
by spike4561
Summary: All Kurt ever wanted was to be like that perfect Porcelain doll his mother loved so much. He would do anything to be beautiful like her.  Klaine Britanna and QuinnxFinn/ warning self harm and eating disorder.
1. Prologue

I always wanted to be perfect. Even when I was little, my mummy kept a porcelain doll by the table in the sawing room. She would tell me that the doll was perfect and one day she would give it to me. One day when I am perfect, that was her promise. But when I was seven I saw the promise be broken after my mother died my father gave the porcelain doll to the neighbourhood kids. I was to be the doll. I want to have the flawless face, the sweet cherry blonde curls and the beautiful soul that the doll created.

I don't see myself a full of flaws, I see myself as one big flaw. And Porcelain has no flaws. To be who I must be I must eliminate the flaws. Forever.

The first person I modelled my perfection on was a football player, he was able to be cruel and nice with out losing his status. So I mirrored him. I acted like him; I let my hair go as it pleased. I wore clothing that did nothing for perfection. They told me that I was wrong to do so, that I was meant to be myself. How was I meant to know that being myself is another word for being what they want? When I found out that his popularity was waning I knew that this was not perfect so I searched for the new perfection.

She was young and blonde. With round blue eyes and dangerous naivety, she could twist anyone around her finger with out losing her ditzy state. She must be perfect, she was the next person I modelled my self on. I stoped caring about my body letting people do what they pleased to me; I changed my style to feminie and did how I saw her do. They called me names; they told me that if I wanted to be a girl so much that is how they would treat me. I was told die and I wanted to so bad but she was perfect and she didn't want to die. She lost her perfection when I overheard what people were saying about her. She was not perfect.

I had nothing to base my perfection on, no doll, no person, no one. To be perfect I would need to do what I could, I needed to do everything I could.

Even if I died trying.


	2. Flaws

**I have rewritten this Chapter five times (that's why it probley sucks) I am not anorexic but my friend was and she told me the tips that Kurt got from online. Ummmm I hope I didn't make him a girl. **

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><p>A pale boy stood in front of his full-length mirror. His eyes travelled over his naked skin letting the coldness of the winter air hit his small form. He was too short, too large, too ugly. Bruises littered his chest and arms. His mouth was too large his hair was too thick. He was too fat. He could see the fat clinging off his arms. He grabbed at his face pulling his cheeks trying in a vain attempt to make them shrink. He turned away from the mirror not wanting to look at what he knew was his future. He was nothing and he needed to be something.<p>

His stomach grumbled asking to be fed, he couldn't give it that. He brought a fist up letting it hitting the demanding organ though the layer of fat, which he believed was thick. Walking over to the bath he turned on the cold water. The noise was loud and broke though the ghostly silence hurting his ears. He stoped taking warm baths when he stoped most ever thing else.

Kurt knew he was being a little drastic but to be perfect you need to be a little drastic. He told himself that if he didn't eat as much then his imperfections will go. When he was the right weight he will eat again, only in small amounts. This way he will be forever perfect. But beauty takes pain. And he was ready for the pain. The water stoped and he slipped into the icy liquid letting the goose bumps jump up his limbs past the cuts on his upper thigh. Cocking his head to the side he used his middle finger to trace the cuts. The pain in them helped forget the pain of hunger. He would never cut his wrists he didn't want to die. Not until he was perfect, when he was then he could die. He wanted to die perfectly.

'Kurt' a berley voice called from across the hall.

'Are you hungry?' Kurt hated when he was asked that. It wasn't the right question. Of course he was hungry, but he has to live with it. Perfection takes pain. He was willing to give up every thing to be perfect. His father should ask if he wanted to eat. Then he could answer with out lying. He didn't want to lie.

'No.' he called back closing his eyes. Whenever he lied he felt worse and worse. He let a few tears fall before standing up not letting himself cry. If he cried then he would be weak.

'Ok then, just tell me if you're ready to eat' with that his father had proven that he didn't know. No one knew. Kurt liked it that way. He brought a cold hand to his face in a hard slap. The sting reminded him that he wasn't weak, he didn't cry, he wasn't weak, he didn't cry. When would he be ready to eat?

He pulled a warm towel around himself and sat on the hard metal seat facing his many beauty products. He hated this part. Pulling out a pair of tweezers he attacked his eyebrows letting out short gasps as the hair was pulled from his skin. Next was the cream, he already freezing body was subjected to the thick cream he liked to place small amounts at a time if he put to much on he would shake.

Kurt didn't like the cold but his bathroom must always be cold. He read that online, if you want to be thin you must be cold. Cold and thin go together like beauty and perfection. After the creams he moved out of the room the heated air of his bedroom was a relief. He moved around slowly taking the heat in, he grabbed hold of his night clothing.

Lying in bed he didn't let his thought wonder. He needed to sleep.

As the sun raise the next day Kurt opened his eyes he stopped sleeping past the sun a few months ago. He didn't want to get up but he knew how it works. He would either go for a run and come back late so he wouldn't be able to have breakfast or oversleep or tell his father he had already eaten. He always hated breakfast. Even before he didn't eat eggs and he hated cereal.

As he lay in bed he looked over the ceiling, there were four cracks.

Pulling at his hair he moved towards his draws pulling out a pair of sweat pants and t-shirt. He walked into the bathroom and stood in front of his mirror. Pulling off his top he examined the skin that lived around his bones pushing and poking and pulling. Trying to smooth it down. He closed his eyes not wanting to look. Raising a fist he punched his stomach once, twice, three times. This was his punishment his warning. Sliding his pants off he looked over his thighs grabbing at the fat letting a few tears escape.

He shock his head slapping himself, dressing himself quickly ignoring the person in the mirror. Running down the stairs Kurt flung himself into the cold air. Focusing on his breathing he ran down the streets not looking at anything but his shoes. He never stretched out first, the pain from running distracted from the pains that clawed at his insides. His breath came in short ragged gasps. But he didn't stop. Running across the road hitting into the street he swore slightly when he saw others running.

The saw him, he knew they did, they heard him, he should stop breathing. He held his breath as he run towards the other side away from them.

'Hummel' a saucy female voice called from behind him. If he dared to look over he would see Santana the Mckelnly high school cheerleading captain leaning on a tree.

'Hummel I know you can hear me' she called an air of smugness in her voice, Kurt turned around looking the attractive girl in the eye.

'I just want to know Hummel why you quit Glee? You were actually pretty good.' Kurt closed his eyes, he would say but she wouldn't understand.

'Don't ignore me Hummel' why was she so forceful? They never talked even when he was in Glee.

'I found it … not satisfying' He lied slowly his voice was cracked from lack of use.

'Bull shit' she raised an eyebrow 'Tell me the truth.'


	3. Imperfect

**Hello just some things you should know:**

**One: Santana isn't out **

**Two: kurt is like super thin not fat like he 'thinks'**

**Three: I sorta changed the way I am writing it in away is that ok?**

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><p>Kurt made to run again, he didn't need this. His head hurt from the lack of water and his stomach hurt from lack of food. He was lacking. He lacked in perfection, He lacked in normalcy. He just was lacking.<p>

'Wait' her voice again broke the silence. 'I know your secret Hummel.'

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><p>Coffee is made from acid of the roasted seeds of the Coffee Plant. It is dark brown in colour and has a bitter taste, which dose not always suit the person who drinks it. Without anything else coffee in almost zero in calories, one teaspoon of sugar: forty-six calories. One tablespoon of Milk twenty calories.<p>

Kurt has his coffee black never getting anything larger then the regular. Santana gets a latté, two teaspoons of sugar. Kurt's eyes follow her hands, watching her fingers pick up the paper bags that hid the small white grains. He saw her ripping the top off sliding the sugar into her mug, stirring the around before placing the lid back on and taking a gulp.

'Well?' She asked looking the boy up and down waiting on his reaction. When none came she sighed. 'I know what team you play for Hummel' His eyes locked on hers a flash of relief and pain flitted across them.

He nodded slowly looking straight back. 'Well?' She asked again a little annoyed 'Why don't you seem to care? I know something that will ruin your life!' her voice got higher as it got louder.

'I realise that…' he said ducking his head under and raising a hand to his head pulling at his messy hair. 'But what can I say?'

'You can show some god damn emotion' She said her temper still flared. 'Or something, you never have emotions do you? Not even in Glee. You were a robot, you still are!' He raised his head again, his perfect eyebrows jumping up towards his hairline.

'Now… do you want me to tell the whole school?' He shook his head softly. 'Good, good. Now, I cannot only keep you in the closet but I can also push you further in…'

The woman at the counter took a pastry from the glass case passing it over to the man with a coffee. Three hundred and twenty three calories, if that is all he will eat today then he would be on his way to loosing his beer gut. But I know it won't be. He will eat lunch, wether it is a burger or and sandwich doesn't matter it would be about four hundred and eighty seven calories, he will come home after work to a wife who will bring him his dinner. It will be amazing, and show gladly the Ohio sprit.

'… Coach Sylvester will take you, she saw you preform and says you have what it takes…'

A baby is crying in a young woman's arms as she balances a coffee and a muffin on one arm. Her breathing shows how unfit she is and the skin infection shows she is a smoker. If she didn't smoke then the child wouldn't be crying; she wouldn't be as stressed or late. Kurt guessed that she stoped at the gas station before entering the Lima Bean. She tried to get a pack of cigarettes from the youth who wouldn't understand the simple thing she wanted...

The smell of food did that to the brunette. It made his imagination go wild with a want, that never went away.

'…And my best friend Brittany would date you, She's slept with everyone and I'm sure you'll be good to her.' The Latin Finished looking pleased with herself. Believing that she had just supplied the boy across from her with an argument he couldn't refuse. Kurt once again pulled a long fingered hand though his hair. He knew he had a choice. Joining the Cheerio's means that he wouldn't have to worry about clothing, he knew that they had to where the uniform at all times inside the school ground unless they got a note stating otherwise. Brittany… that name meant something to Kurt.

'What is you price?' He asked softly letting his eyes close, he wasn't sure what it was but he always felt tired and weak no matter how much he slept. If his eyes were open Kurt would have seen the glint in the others eye knowing she had him in a corner. If he ate just a bite of something, how would that affect his diet? Just a small bite… Kurt dug his nails in to his hand. The sharp nails pierced the skin. A small line of blood make it's way down his palm dripping onto his running shorts.

'Come back to Glee, we need twelve people if we have any hope in even looking at regionals. And Santana Lopez dose not waste her time with losers, you were there for four months Hummel, look no one knows why you left but if the other freaks did something wrong then you have my permission to yell at Berry.' The cheerleader lifted her mug to her lips letting the rest of the sweet, creamy coffee float down her throat.

'Work on an audition song for both Glee and the Cheerio's over the weekend…' She racked her eyes over the quite boy sitting across from her. 'Glee misses you Kurt.' She stood up and left the coffee shop and Kurt to his own thoughts.

A few minuets after she left he raised his eyes from his untouched coffee and jerked out of his seat. He almost slammed the coffee in the nearest bin and walked toward the exit.

Out in the cold he started to run again, letting the pain turn into a stich. Letting himself hurt. It must happen. Left right, left right, left right. Why were people made like this? Two arms, two legs why not four of each? Cars drove slowly creeping around the corners of the blocks the speed limit is forty.

_Imperfect, Imperfect, ugly, fat, Imperfect._

The voice overwhelmed him.

_Imperfect, Imperfect, ugly, fat, Imperfect._

He ran up the stairs of his bedroom.

_Imperfect, Imperfect, ugly, fat, Imperfect._

Closing the bathroom door he pulled out his nail scissors.

_Imperfect, Imperfect, ugly, fat, Imperfect._

He closed his eyes.

_Imperfect, Imperfect, ugly, fat, Imperfect._

Red drops fell from his thighs, onto the cold white floor. The voice was gone. He was safe. Pulling at his hair he stood up, putting toilet paper over his left leg to stop the blood. He needed to think of some songs to perform.


	4. One, Two, Three

**I know what you are thinking, Why does she keep changing the way she writes? I say, I'M SORRY. So here we go, I will name chapters over their base point. First ones name would be Flaws, second Temptation and thirdy pie One, Two, Three.**

**I shall put one up a day till Christmas, then I shall try and get two up a day after Xmas.**

**Just to let you know, I love questions and Ideas, so send me a few. Dank you, Spike4561**

Chapter 3: One, Two Three

Trembling softly, Kurt pulled himself off the tiled floor. He wet a few squares of toilet paper, pulling is slowly over the blood that dried in perfect little droplets. The paper turned red as it was soaked up. His wounds still oozed slightly and stang, he ran his fingers over them for the a thousandth time letting his fingers create more punishment. He needed to get clean. Cold water splashed the sides of the bath making little patterns that would disappear as soon as the water was finished.

He stripped again this time avoiding the mirror that promised him disappointment, Flaws, imperfection. Instead he pulled his IPhone letting his fingers hit the shuffle.

Silence is sound of blame, of torment, of hurt. Noise is the sound of mercy. Kurt didn't know what music lived on the little device that he was presented on his seventeenth birthday. The music was all his father's, Kurt didn't buy CD's Kurt didn't want CD. Music was painful and so unforgiving with his emotions. He didn't want to feel. Shutting off the tap the water skidded to a stop, as if waiting for another command.

'_You may say that I'm a dreamer_….'

A mans voice warbled though the coldness of Kurt's sanctuary. He didn't know music. He never wanted to be in Glee Club to begin with. There was always something in the looks of the other members that made him know he didn't belong. If he was perfect then he wouldn't need to, Perfect, Thin, Beautiful. Perfect, Thin, Beautiful. The words were etched into his skull. He would never forget.

'Hey Buddy' Burt Hummel called from… somewhere. Kurt didn't know where his father was. The house wasn't the biggest but the two floors made it seem so much bigger. Emptier.

'I invited Carole and Finn here for dinner' No answer 'Kurt?' Rolling out of the icy water he moved towards his towels, letting the heavy marital way down his waist. He yanked the door open harshly, and closed it without even letting the water out.

'Yes?' He called down the stairs his unnaturally high voice wafted down the stairs. Talking. Why does everyone have the need to talk all the time?

'_I loved her first, I held her first…' _

The music continued to pour out of his bathroom, almost in a haunting fashion. 'Is dinner ok with you tomorrow?' No, dinner is not ok.

'_I prayed that she'd find you some day…'_

'Kurt!' His father was talking to him; don't act different around people they notice.

'Sorry dad, I was a million miles away. I have to do stuff for Glee and stuff' His voice shrank to a mumble, talking, talking. Why couldn't he be left alone? 'Yeah, Having the Hudson's over would be cool.'

'_Silicon chip inside her head gets switched to over load…'_ This song… he knew it. He didn't know who sang it, but he knew the story. A story of being misunderstood.

He got dressed quickly letting his mussels ache clothing is being hidden, hide behind clothing.

'Are you going to come down and eat? Are you hungry?' shut up, shut up, shut up. Stop with the food already, stop with the talking, stop with the questions.

'_The Telex machine is kept so clean…' _

Noise, talking, music. He yanked the cord out of the speakers breathing heavily.

' No.' He almost shouted, but held himself back. It hurt too much to shout, shouting made him tired. He didn't know why. Yes he did, if he ate then he'd be ok. _Eat, eat, eat, eat, food, food, food, food._ He could smell it. His father's dinner was begging him to eat it. One bite, two bites, three bites, four b-. No. Punching his stomach he put the music on again. No more shuffle. He is doing the song with the interesting story.

'_Silicon chip inside her head gets switched to over load…' _

He stretched his arms letting his muscles roll over his bones. One, two, three, he moved his hips to the beat. Slow. Slow. He moved to the music letting in consume him, trying to be that girl who killed so many. _Food, hungry, one, two, three, fat, ugly, one, two, three. _

Kurt continued over and over the same steps the same lines of the song. One, Two, Three.

'_And no body is going to school today, she's gonna make them stay at home…' _

He felt so tired. _Step, left, right, move, stand, fat, step, left, right, fat, move, stand, fat, fat, fat, Fat, FAT. _His vision blurred, so tired. Moving towards his bed he let his head fall on the soft pillows that littered around the edges. One, Two, Three, Fat, Imperfect, Ugly.

'_They can see, no reasons, coz there are, no reasons what reasons do you need?...' _

He opened one eye listening to the music he didn't remember putting it on repeat last night. Without letting the pain sink in he moved to do the routine again. One, Two, Three, he let his aching body move in an almost fluid motion letting his body lie. _Liar, Fat, Ugly. _He would get back in Glee club with this. There was no doubt. He knew that it was simple to get in. and he had already been in. One, Two, Three.

Sweating and in pain he slipped down the carpeted stairs into the kitchen slowly and carefully. The clock on the wall stated that it was four oh five. It was cold. So cold. He hadn't eaten anything in three days Kurt didn't want to die.

A rice cake s thirty five calories, add two teaspoons of hot sauce forty-five. Doubled is Ninety. Kurt takes two large rice cakes covered in hot sauce lifting one to his mouth he bites down letting the sauce be the punishment. _FAT! _It burned down his throat, hitting him, punishing him. _Fat, ugly, One, Two, Three._ Pain isn't his friend. Pain isn't his enemy it never was. Pain is Kurt Hummel's allay

**The song our amazing Kurtie Pie will be singing is 'I don't Like Mondays by The Boomtown Rats'**

**But I need your help, what song should he preform for Sue?**


	5. short

**I added more to this chapter, six hundred words is not exceptable. These chapters are one thousand or more that is how I do it! But this still isn't sadly I donno, I just can't write right. **

Meatloaf is roasted for forty-five minuets. In a greased loaf pan you add beef, pork, veal and what other meats you happen to have on you.

Carole Hudson brought a meat loaf over. It was warm, slightly soggy and almost insanely dripped in oil.

When eating it, Kurt felt like it sliding down his throat hitting his stomach. _FAT, FAT, FAT. _Next his body was inflicted with cheesy potatoes. Just two bites and no one sees that your hate yourself. They were talking, laughing.

Carole has gained a little weight; her already tight denim clothing seemed to be pulled over her womanly curves closer. Her hair was a brown bush the curls natural and almost endearing. Her face was lined with unusual happiness, when she smiled her eyes wrinkled softly letting her eyes smile as well. She worked at the hospital as a nurse. Her husband died before Finn was born. She would forever be searching for a man who could be her husband. Be the man she lost.

'So Kurt, how are you going? How's life?' Carole is kind her voice is soft.

'I'm fine thank you Carole, life is just dandy' _LAIR._ His voice was forced, all he wanted to do was take great handfuls of everything and shove them into his mouth. _Fat, ugly, weak._

'That is good dear, and may I say you are looking very handsome tonight' Kurt's face almost glowed in happiness. _She's lying you know that._ He took another bite off his plate. _FAT._ And smiled up at the three people who took up the other sides of his fathers small table.

'Why did you quit Glee?' Everyone's eyes moved towards the boy towering over his side.

Finn is the quarterback, he trains every Monday, Friday and Saturday from four to six. His suffered a broken arm when he was fourteen. He is the lead male singer of New Directions. Finn plays drums and has a girlfriend named Quinn Febray.

'Kurt?' They are waiting for an answer, that's what they want. He knows they want nothing else from him. 'We need you there, we need twelve people, without you there is only like eleven.'

He put Kurt on a spot, what could you say to that?

'I am re-joining Glee' he said by way of answer. He stared at his lap as he expected his body to bulge at the amount he has eaten. A hand clapped his back making him quiver at the strength of the other boy.

'I'm so glad! But really though, why did you leave?' Questions questions question. Kurt cleared the table ignoring Finn's question. He kept talking asking and asking. Kurts hands began to shake as he loaded the dishwasher. Shut up shut up shut up._ Fat, ugly, weak. _He didn't know what he would end up saying if the questions kept coming. His head hurt. He felt like he was going to faint.

'Can you just leave it?' he held himself back from snapping at the older teen._ You didn't fit in there._

'Chill dude I just wanna know.'

'Finn.' The parents are intervening. 'Maybe Kurt doesn't feel comfortable with telling you.' Carole's nice, she deserves something for being so amazing.

The parents talked.

**Maria get an account** –.-

"_You know that song is about a school shooting, right? And I don't really  
>think you can compare the emotions of someone with an eating disorder with those of a murderer"<em>

**Well my little judgy friend. Kurt doesn't want people to know. That I thought made clear. And he hates music I thought I made that clear too that he doesn't understand music. That song was very popular when his dad was young. And have you heard the song? I mean really Kurt's voice would be great with it. This has nothing to do with emotions **

**Xx **

**Spike4561**

**Aws**


	6. Life

**I'M BACKKKKKKKK MISS ME? I THINK YOU DID!  
>I couldn't no matter how hard I tried Write this with Kurt, So I used my fifth Fav Quinn pairing (First FinnXQuinn, second SamXQuinn, third KurtXquinn, Fourth PuckXQuinn, fifth RachelXQuinn) in their respected professions they are not together don't worry. Quinn Ain't in Nude Erections :P <strong>

**So I am guessing you Hate me again for changing the way I write? **

**Chapter five: LIFE! :D**

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><p>The world is spilt into two kinds of people, the rich and the poor. In high school this translates to the popular and the losers. There is no third type. No cross between losers and populars, just one or the other.<p>

Quinn Fabray knew this; she was a popular and would never give up that title for anything. She and her tall quarterback boyfriend were at the top and that is what she deserved. While she wasn't the head cheerleader she still had a say in many things that others wouldn't even dream about commenting on.

That is why she wasn't surprised on Monday to be called into the gym with the cheer captain to help Coach Sylvester judge the newest loser who tried to move up in the scale.

The table was there looking oddly serial in the heated gym, three chairs looked commanding in the bright light. As if practised the three pulled out their chairs and perched on the edges all with almost inhuman grace.

'Now ladies.' Their coach addressed the two high schoolers. 'This is a mercy tryout, he asked me this morning for an audition and I had no reason to turn him down.' Pulling out her glasses as she said this. 'But do not think that you must be easy on him, I have no intention of letting him in but I just want to see the boy cry.' Quinn and Santana nodded their heads again in perfect unison. They understood, this didn't happen often but it did happen once in a while. Most of the time it was because like today she just wanted to see someone cry.

'Kurt Hummel.' As soon as the name was called out the small burnet shifted into the room

He was carrying a small silver boom box in a skinny pale hand. He stood in the middle of the floor his eyes focused unwavering on the blonde cheer coach. With a small nod from the latter he placed the boom box down carefully pressing the play button.

Music spilled swiftly from the speakers, starting with a flip he let the music take control.

'S_o hot out the box, can you pick up the pace...' _

It was a bold choice of song, Quinn Was impressed by the way he was able hold the notes while moving his body in almost inhuman twists and turns. She could only imagine the pain he must have go though in order to get this routine down. It was odd, she had seen many boys before but none were as thin as him.

His movements were measured and almost sexual seemed to no care much about the condition or pain he was putting his pale body though this is what is needed in a Cheerio.

'_Let me entertain you till you scream...'_

As the almost angelic looking boy held the long note at the end of scream Coach Sylvester seemed to brake out of her shocked demoner. 'I'm going to stop you right there.' she removed her glasses and placed them down next to a sheet of paper that had held her attention at the beginning of the proformace. 'I am simply aroused, that is the most turned on I have been by a student in many years of teaching. Porcelain follow Sandbags into the store room you are on the squad.'

it was strange, how things can change in only a few minutes. Both blondes had come into the gym in order to claw this boy down, instead they had found them self an asset to the team.

The male Cheerleading uniform was not that different from the female but instead of the short pleated skirt it was a pair of equally as short pants the meteral was loose enough to not make people uncomfortable or make the Wearing feel like they are not covered enough. It shows the curves on the girls while is ment to show off the mussels of the men. It is combuselary for each member of the Cheerios to wear the uniforms from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep. The uniforms don't grow. You are given one uniform until the day it becomes to big or the end of the year. You are expected to maintain the weight that you are when you join the squad. The weights are checked by the scales that live in the store room waiting till Tuesday every week when the poor girls are subjected to A few minutes of self hate.

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><p>To be a soloist in Glee club you have to be a bitch, have the talent and be willing to fight for what you want. Rachel knew what she wanted from the Glee club and she did work for her solo's. she truthfully believed that she was the greatest proformer and that anyone who didn't see that seemed to have real issue's. She liked to think that her talents made her better then others and also made her be able to spot talented people. And the pale, thin boy wearing the Cheerios uniform and singing about a terrifying event in history was talented.<p>

_'They could see no reasons...'_

No one in the club knew why Kurt left. He never tried to fit in or anything he just sat in the back doing nothing. He loved to watch people that was what made him standout most, if he didn't watch people then he would have been easily forgotten. But as it was he was never picked on at school because most of the student body didn't know he existed.

Rachel could sense a lot of things, though she didn't like to brag out this particular talent, she could feel that he wasn't really comfortable singing. This was wrong. He could jeopardize everything they worked for by not looking the part.


	7. Hungry

**hello!**

**Ok I know what you're thinking "she's gonna say sorry for changing the way She writes again." Well my dear you are right I suck I'm so so So sorry! **

**I have to ask you guys a favor... How can Blaine come in? I want him in the next chapter but how? Is he a jock? A joke? Is he like that guy from 'Easy "A"' who was all like 'i know your secret ... Kiss me!' I'm counting on your help! **

**Chapter six**

**Hungry **

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><p>Eat naked in frount of the mirror so you're not tempted to eat to much. <em>Hungry.<em>

A spoon full of peanut butter. Twenty calories. Three leaves of lettus. Fifteen calories. He felt them move down his throat into his stomach, what was once clean and empty was now soiled. _Ugly._ His stomach bulged. His life had gone into complications what once made sence was different. His life was no longer simple. _Hungry._

Once again the cold water sprayed the sides of his clean bath a few stray droplets jumped onto the titled floor. It broke the silence. Silence was over whelming. He focused on the noise. _Drip__ping_, _dripping, dripping_. It was no longer winter so his bathes had gotten warmer. _Hungry._

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><p>'I don't feel well.' it was a lie. He felt fine. He was fine, he was almost perfect. Not perfect yet. One day he would be perfect. Live forever in perfection or die perfect. Die... people die all the time, if he died it would be forgotten. He would be forgotten, and that he was the gothic Asian turned away still holding her chocolate cake. <em>Wait please leave it with me!<em> She handed it around to the other students. Each Glee club member was lounging in different ways around the choir room. Each on their own claimed plastic chair. The chairs were hot in Summer and cold in Winter. _Hot, cold, hot, cold_. Since he joined the Cheerios he could feel people looking _staring_ at him whispering. _Hungry_. He was fine. _Hungry_ . He was happy. _Hungry_. The chocolate cake was two hundred and forty calories. He didn't want it. Did he?

'...Remember guys no matter what don't let your voice...'

Rachel Berry was perched on the edge of her brown chair her already large eyes were wide was she listened avidly to the curly haired teacher. _Hungry_.

'... You did well but could be improved...'

The birthday girl Tina Choa-Chang was licking the last of the frosting off her fingers. _Hungry_.

'... Miss Pilsbury thinks...'

Noah Puckerman was texting, his eyes glued to the small screen. His attractive face screwed up. _Hungry_.

'... Journy songs are our strong point any ideas?'

With out the teacher talking it was silent. It was suffercating no one said anything. He wanted to scream. The silence was judging him. _Weak_. Was he weak? He felt strong. _Liar_. He felt powerful. _Liar_. Today was Thursday. He didn't have breakfast because he wasn't hungry. _Liar_. That was what he told his dad. He didn't eat lunch because he had a big breakfast. _Liar_. He told Brittany that. That night he'll take his food up to his bedroom to finish studying. _Liar_. He'll trow the food away. Tomorrow is Friday. He'll do it again. _Hungry_.

The bell rang out loud and clear interrupting the silence. Kurt could breathe. He loved noise he hid in it, he slipped into the crowd with noise. Everyone collected their bags talking, laughing. _Hungry_.

As he perambulated out of the room behind most of the other students he felt a small hand jump into his own. _Brittany_. 'Do you want to come over after school?' she had forgotten that it was already after school. He nodded and squized her hand softly smiling just as tamely when her face broke into a beautiful grin. _Beautiful_ she was Beautiful_ so beautiful. '_Cool coz my Dad got this new Disc and I thought it was a movie because it looked like one but it didn't work so I asked Dad and he said that it was for the complete compenet com-'

'Computer.' Kurt corrected her as they strolled out of the glass doors. The snow had melted away showing it greatly it was spring. Kurt knew that Brittany liked spring she grinned at everything and her eyes were filled with almost childish innocents. Brittany didn't smile she grinned . Kurt wanted to live in her world. _Hungry_.

'Yeah computer and then he said...'

She chatted a lot always, there was always something about her way of talking that was. Insanely different to everything else. Even the shortest sentence would make him think more then anyone else could. _Hungry_.

Brittany couldn't drive. She never took the test to get her learner though it was organized. On her birthday the poor girl had forgotten instead she went out and didn't come home till it was to late. _Hungry_.

She swang their hands together pale to tanned her voice was soft and told her about her day as Kurt started to drive. _Hungry_.

The heating of the car was set onto the second setting. _Hungry_. Brittany played with the window on her side up down up down. _Hungry_.

A blue car pulled on to the side of the road a man got out wearing a black suit and yellow tie, he'd just come from work. He was a lawyer or maybe an accountant he just got off from work and planed to see his misstus he'll walk out into the road and get hit hes blood will fall in droplets staining the black tars red in his haste. His wife would organize the funeral. His work friends would come with his family. His secret will be forever hidden. _Hungry_.

'Do you and Santana want to go to a movie on Sunday?'

A little boy was playing on the side of the street he was wearing blue. His mother was too afraid to dress him in other colour he held a football in his hand but all he wanted to play with the dolls which the girl next door did.

'Yeah! Totally!' her face pulled back into again and her hands started to type out a text.

They pulled into Brittany street two cars in front of her house proving that her parents were home. _Hungry_.

'Mum, me and dolphine are home!' Brittany's mother _Debbie_ walked into the front room. The porky woman pulled both her daughter and Kurt into a pudgy embrace. _Hungry_.

"Hello Mrs Pierce" **Kurt**

"How many times must I tell you to call me Debbie" **Debbie *shakes head***

"At least once more" **Kurt**

'How was your day?" **Debbie**

"It was good thank you"** *smiles* Kurt**

"Are you hungry? Do you want to eat?" **Debbie**

"No thank you." **Kurt**

She walked around smiling the same smile reciting her lines. His life was scripted.


	8. Okay

**Here I am *waves* was hiding at a sucky writing convention, once again I'm so sorry for changing the way I writing again :( secondly I need a bete. Fourthly this was written on my iPhone so yaya for phone chapters and thirdly who else has become a sebationxKurt fan? I have ;)**

**Chapter eight: okay**

Drip, Drip, Drip Water fell down his back slowly at first but became quicker as he turned the handle towards him. A mixture of soap and water coated his body creating a promise of cleanliness. It was Sunday. _Fat._ Today was the day, it didn't care much for the other days. This was the one that made him feel everything of the past week. Sunday was a new beginning. Sunday. _Weak._

The scale sat almost expectantly on the tiled floor, it was waiting for him, wanting him to go over. That's what is wanted. _Hungry._

He wanted to run away, he wanted to open the window and let the warm air hit his naked form. _Fat. _He wanted to eat, he wanted to stop lying. _Weak. _He wanted to throw away all the creams and powders along with the uniform which he had been blackmailed into wearing each day. _Fat_. He wanted his mother to hold him and love him. _Weak. He wanted to be perfect._

Wants don't go first, that's not how it worked. He was still shivering as he exited the cold shower. His pruned feet padded slowly out of the shower. Holding his breath as his toes connected with the colder mental as he step slowly onto the scales. _Hungry._

The needle moved left and right hitting each number before moving back down hitting the next. It was fast seemingly not processing the numbers before moving toward the next. Closing his eyes Kurt didn't dare think about the numbers. His mind was further away than it should be his mind was on perfection.

_Tu es belle mon petit ange._ His mother use to hold his hand each day, muttering those words whilrun boning her long fingers though his hair, she would smile and kiss him promising perfection. He wished he could go back. Back to those days, days when he knew how to be perfect. _Weak_.

Looking down his eyes focused on the lose the needle was pointing right at the number. A smile graced his freezing lips. He was happy, this is what he wanted what he asked for. One oh seven. There is was. _Freak._

* * *

><p>Buying coffee is a waste of time. When he was normal his mother would kiss his cheek and whisper secrets into his pale ear. She smelt like coffee and tobacco. Smoking killed her; it was a choice she made. He wasn't angry at her for making it. He wasn't angry, he wasn't sad. Kurt Hummel was nothing, felt nothing. That's how he liked it. <em>Hungry<em>.

He sat alone; the smells surrounded him begging him, yelling. Just a little bite to eat. He fought the sudden urge to vomit the smells pressed down on him hitting him hard. Their mouths were moving up and down compressing the food before it slipped down their throat hitting their stomach. Inhaling sharply he wished he could go home, back to the coldness back to the silence but away from this. _Weak_.

A few boys wearing the same outfit gaggled into the shop their hair was brushed back and styled to keep off their faces. They were happy, the just got off school. They would order and talk, homework will be done before they part ways. But they would still be in contact. Their phones would buzz with inside jokes and inappropriate comments for the rest of the evening, if one gets to a computer they will stay up hours clicking the refresh button while reading their facebook. One would grow old in the town he grew up in while the others would move away. No one wanted to stay there. _Hungry_.

A pair of girls who hadn't taken off their cheerio uniform from school sat together giggling while their long haired heads clashed together fake tanned skin rubbed together as they stared at the IPhone which was stationed between their skinny arms. It was simple to judge these two. _Wea-_

'Hi, you ok?' his thoughts stopped, the world stopped. Moving his head seemed to be easy but he still felt the weight of his body as he turned to look at the owner of the voice. People say when you find the one it's a moment like no other. They say that nothing and no one else matters when you find them.

'Hello?' there was that voice again an olive skinned hand waved across his face as if trying to attract his attention. A helmet of black hair appeared at eye level before topaz met with blue. His eyes sent a jolt of … something… though his body. Suddenly he was hunger then he had even been. He needed to eat, everything was taunting him, and he didn't bring any money with him. _Weak little freak, fat, go on eat you cow._

'Hi.' He couldn't bring himself to say anything else, the man was so close. Kurt didn't like his voice. It was too high, too famine, too girlie. He wasn't a girl. The world though he should be. He felt the breathing of the man hot and soft on his face.

'I'm Blaine.' There was a silence as he looked at the boy in front of him. 'I see you here a lot and you never order anything, are you ok?_' People see him_. This man, this Blaine sees him.

'Why?' the word made everything start to turn suddenly they were back in the coffee shop, suddenly it was odd to see someone he didn't know kneel in front of him. People were looking over. People were judging them. Him. He felt their eyes looking at the flaws seeing his secrets. Seeing everything. People see him.

'Because I don't think you are.' People don't notice things like that. People don't care. People don't go up to random strangers and care. Maybe Blaine wasn't a person? This Blaine, he was _perfect_.


End file.
